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Kimmii K.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hello kiddo,
Welcome to your first lesson on life lessons, where you will learn about everything you need to know to carry you through life.

Today's topic will be focusing on the largest and most superficial muscle in the body, the

Gluteus Maximus!

Alright, I do not want this lesson to get too technical, so let's take a look at reality.
Reality meaning, most average humans, have a hidden Gluteus Maximus.
Most people have a thick layer of fat covering the muscle, disappearing what would otherwise be a firm taut behind.

Well, I'm not here to educate you kids on the human anatomy and the various muscles in the body.
As I mentioned earlier, this is a life skill lesson, and if you wanna know more about the wonderful Gluteus Maximus, go attend a medical school.
Or google it, cuz you're too much of a moron to enter medical school, or any other school for that matter.

The Gluteus Maximus, is more commonly known as your buttocks, or arse.
There are many variations such as
Ass, Backside, Booty, as well as "ew wtf is that lump of lard doing at where my gluteus maximus should be?"

However, for this lesson, I would like you to refer this particular organ simply as 'butt'.

ALRIGHT, let's get more in depth with the topic.
Your butt is located at the base of your back.
It's that lump of muscle (or fat cells ) above your legs.
The butthole is actually your anus. But this is a life skill lesson and not a Biology class so I'll call it butthole.
And asshole is kinda offensive.
Your butthole is where your crap comes out.
I won't say the word shit or faeces cuz again, the former is too vulgar and the latter looks like you.

Now kiddos, listen up to this.
Whenever you take a crap, be sure to wipe your butthole.
Do NOT allow any traces of brown crap to stick right between your buttcheeks.
The 'in between your buttcheeks' is known as your buttcrack.
Well, the above applies to when there's no water avalible for washing.
If there's water, it is highly recommended that you actually wash your butthole and buttcrack using the clean liquid.

It's pretty darn easy to wash the crap off with water, but not so to wipe the crap off your butt.
Especially if you have really loose, watery bowels.
Can you spell 'disgusting'?
Lucky I'm here to coach you through this step by step.

Firstly, tear off a strip of buttwipe, or in more technical terms, toilet paper.
Be sure it's long enough to accomodate to the amount of crap you have on your crack.
Fold it, or crush it, depending on if you're a folder or a crumpler.
( Google the quiz. )

Then, using the obtained buttwipe, wipe the crap off your butt.

Do not wipe too gently, as it will prove uneffective in the removal of crap.
Also, leading scientists have researched and discovered that wiping your butt too gently will require more buttwipes to fully remove the crap.
( Except they used the words 'Gluteus Maximus' and 'Toilet Paper' in their report. )
Wiping gently would massage the crap into your skin and into your bloodstream.
Hence, you'll end up with fluid crap as your blood.
Wiping too gently will sometimes result in the non-complete removal of crap.
So you'll smell.
Like crap.

However, do not wipe your butt with too much force too.
Wiping too roughly, and with non-premium buttwipes, will tear the delicate, sensitive skin around your butthole.
Resulting in painful, unwanted and awkward bleeding from your butthole.
You'll be crying while slowly clearing crap from your bleeding buttcrack.

Just wipe your butthole with just enough force to remove the crap, but not enough force to tear the butthole.
After clearing your crap, dispose of the used buttwipe properly.
Or use it as a special ingredient the next time your dreaded relatives come over.
On the other hand, those above mentioned leading scientists have suggested that we carry around reusable, washable buttwipes so as to 'Save the Earth'.
Hence, if you're using washable buttwipes, fold the used buttwipe and take it home to wash and use it again the next time.
Remember to pull up your bottoms and you're good to go!

If you're insecure and wanna make sure, simply use the buttwipe to clean your whole butt.
Now, if you're having problems memorizing the above information, fret not.
Professor me have come up with several jingles for easy memorizing.
Simply recall these the next time you take a nice big poo:

"Wipe your dirty brown buttcrack with a buttwipe!!"

"Wipe it hard, Wipe it well.
If not, your butthole will start to smell!"
Or swell, in serious cases.

"Don't forget that the buttwipe should be premium.
It'll be so soft, your butt will barely feel 'em!"

"Wipe it, Wipe it, Spanking clean.
We don't wanna smell it, so don't be mean!"

I hope those little jingles helped.
Right, that would be all for today's essential life skills.
Remember, kiddos, to practise good personal hygiene!

Love your butt and It will love you back.

♥ 5:11 PM